Aug. 2, 2002
by Vincent F. Safuto staff writer
When I was a kid, the grave threat to the nation and its future was Saturday morning television. Social theorists wailed and gnashed their teeth at the damage those cartoons and advertisements were doing, and how the younger generation would turn out totally corrupted.
It was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, in my view, since much of this howling occurred during the Vietnam and Watergate era, when it seemed that adults were doing a pretty good job of messing up America themselves.
The lamented Saturday morning cartoon ads of the day touted various action kits, toys based on television shows or movies. They could be folded up and brought to a friends house and combined with other items in the set, and you could have a good time in the era before having an imagination was discouraged.
For example, the Star Trek action kit simulated the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise and included the transporter room. With the Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock action figures, you could pretend they were exploring strange new worlds and then flying off at Warp Three for new adventures in another part of the house.
My parents considered that stuff junk; today it sells for a premium on eBay.
Since play has to have a purpose today, and even adults enjoy toys aimed at kids, heres my latest proposal for a new toy. Lets call it the Corporate CEO Action Kit.
It would come with a corner office that features genuine fake wood paneling, a power desk, a picture of the CEO action figure shaking hands with the president and even a little board room. The CEO action figure (in a $1,500 suit) and the obsequious rubber-stamping board of directors figures would be sold separately, naturally.
Other action figures could include the Arthur Andersen accountant/consultant, the book-cooking CFO and the members of the Congressional subcommittee, which would be the same figure sold several times.
The fun you could have! Close your U.S. factories and move them to Mexico or Indonesia, or subcontract to a subcontractors subcontractor so you have no idea whos making your products and arent accountable for the firing squads at the factory wall.
Impoverish the communities your former factories were in, get on the board of the United Way, parade around town in your silver Bentley (sold separately) and your trophy wife (sold separately, and eligible for a trade-in) to political campaign fund-raising events.
Buy a member of Congress (sold separately or, even better, use a subcommittee figure) and move the headquarters to Bermuda, laundering the profits through the Cayman Islands action set. Trade stock on inside information.
The possibilities are endless.
Future action kits could include the Congressional subcommittee hearing room, the SEC investigator action figure and, if your lawyer action figure (sold separately) cant save your fanny, the Club Fed cell action set, which would feature a TV that gets all the financial channels and even a prison laundry, so your financial skills stay up to date.
Vincent F. Safuto is a copy editor for the Press Journal. Reach him at Vincent.Safuto@scripps.com.
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